Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
