he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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