"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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