After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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