i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
