I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize
