Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
