so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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