Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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