i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
