***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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