My cat gives me a boner
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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