Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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