Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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