he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
