i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
