Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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