I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
