she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
