Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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