So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
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