Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
