in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Found the puke drawer
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
