I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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