I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
