My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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