Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
