How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
