they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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