i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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