carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
