Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
His hands were made for my vagina.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Randomize
