sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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