Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
