I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I am one with the molecules
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
