i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
smell my finger.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
