I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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