if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
