Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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