Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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