My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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