I looked at my own cervix.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
