do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
