you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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