Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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