I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
