i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
When are your genitals available?
Randomize
