I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
