I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
