Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
