Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
