I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
